


Merlin, asleep

by MaryBarrens



Series: Merlin Translations [9]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Arthur, M/M, Post-Magic Reveal, Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 19:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17127176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryBarrens/pseuds/MaryBarrens
Summary: The air in the room is too thick for Merlin to breathe. It´s dark, so dark he´s not sure if his eyes are closed or if he´s blind. He may be in danger and – Arthur. Something has happened to Arthur, hasn´t it?





	Merlin, asleep

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Merlin, asleep](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8980300) by [MaryBarrens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryBarrens/pseuds/MaryBarrens). 



The air in the room is too thick for Merlin to breathe. It sits too heavy on his chest, like it´s a person, preventing him from breathing, so heavy that Merlin can hardly manage to get enough air to not suffocate. It´s dark, so dark he´s not sure if his eyes are closed or if he´s blind. Or maybe it´s just night, dark and moonless. It doesn´t matter anyways, because Merlin can´t think, can´t get his thoughts together, can´t find them in the fog inside his head and put them all in the right order, to remember.  
No, he can´t think about that, not now. Not about the dark or the quiet or where he is, because there is something much more important to focus on. Something…  
There is a soft noise not very far away. It sounds like slow footsteps, just one or two, and Merlin almost panics, because he doesn´t know where he is. He may be somewhere he shouldn´t be, somewhere away from the castle. He may be in danger and if he can´t get away, Arthur will surely –  
Arthur. Something has happened to Arthur, hasn´t it? Something Merlin was supposed to protect him from, but he wasn´t strong enough, he couldn´t do it, he failed and Arthur –  
Merlin gets lost in the darkness.

***

The next time Merlin comes to himself, it´s easier to breathe. The air isn´t so heavy anymore, but it´s still dark.  
It´s quiet, apart from a muted, repetitive noise that sounds a little like shopping. The room smells of herbs. He must be at the infirmary then, where else would he be, and the soft sigh from across the room, that must be Gaius.  
Merlin wants to sit up, to call some attention to himself, because he has to find out what happened and if Arthur is alright, he has to ask about Arthur, because something obviously happened and he just can´t remember. But he cannot move, open his mouth and speak up. He can´t even open his eyes to look around himself, there´s no way how to tell Gaius he´s awake, to ask –  
The door creaks when someone walks in and latches the door, but there is only two or three little, hesitant footsteps. Noone says a word.  
Someone is in the room, not to get any help for themselves, and Gaius doesn´t greet the newcomer. But the constant sound of cutting and grinding and soft clinking of small phials Merlin knows so well stops for a moment, just long enough for Gaius to look at the person at the door.  
„How long?“ asks someone quietly and Merlin´s throat tightens, because it´s Arthur. He´s alright then, at least well enough to get to the infirmary on his own and not have Gaius fussing over him the moment he gets his foot in the door. That´s great, thinks Merlin, because it means that – oh, Merlin remembers.  
„How long has he been using magic?“ asks Gaius. His voice is calm and stable and Merlin hears him putting something on the table. But there is no other movement.  
But that´s not important, because Merlin remembers. He remembers Morgana and her hushed voice, the terrible feeling of not being able to move his own body, her curse making him try to kill Arthur in front of a dozen people in the throne hall, before he managed to contain the magic, to focus it elsewhere, inside instead of outside, because Arthur had to stay safe, at any case.  
Arthur breathes in tremblingly and Merlin wants nothing more than to open his eyes, to see his face, because Arthur sounds so terribly far away. „Yes.“  
„His whole life,“ says Gaius gently and then stays silent for a moment. „Hunith told me he was just a few days old when he made flowers flutter in the air.“  
Gaius speaks like as if he was smiling and Merlin wants to join him at the image in his head. A little boy waving his hands, colourful flowers flying in the air around his head, his eyes gold and innocent.  
„I never knew that was possible,“ says Arthur quietly, probably shaking his head. „To use magic as a baby. I´ve been taught that magic has to be studied.“  
„It has, usually,“ agrees Gaius. There are footsteps, one of the going to him and Merlin isn´t sure which one of them is it. And then someone touches his temple, dry, warm fingers, and Gaius pushes a stray strand of hair behind his ear. „Merlin is a special case.“

***

Merlin doesn´t know how much did he miss.  
He´s not even sure if it´s still the same day. It may be night and who knows how many days passed since he´s heard anything around him the last time. Who knows if Gaius didn´t give up on him already (they could easily be preparing a pyre for him at the courtyard, just in case he´d woken up).  
The tips of his fingers are tingling, almost burning with pure magic, trying to get to the surface, to escape the cage of his body and dart in all directions. But it can´t. It´s like all the callused skin of his fingers prevented it from getting out, like an insuperable barrier. All of his attempts to move or to open his mouth and say something – at least make some noise, just to let them know he´s still alive – are useless, so exhausting that Merlin stays the same way they´ve put him, his arms alongside his body, not moving at all.  
Does anyone know how long is he going to stay like this? How long before his strength returns or he dies, unable to drink?  
How long is he going to just stay like this, to just live and listen?  
Merlin hears something like rustling of fabric, someone sitting down, and Arthur speaks up again, more softly this time. „Why didn´t he just tell me? Haven´t I made it obvious that he´s not just a servant to me? That he can trust me?“  
„Arthur…“  
„Haven´t I –“  
„He wanted to tell you,“ Gaius doesn´t let him finish. „He wanted to tell you the whole time.“  
„Why didn´t he?“  
„You love your father,“ says Gaius mildly. „Merlin never wanted to make you choose between the two of them. Surely you understand that he didn´t want to get you in a situation like that.“  
The chair creaks on the stone floor when Arthur stands up abruptly. „Of course I love my father!“ he blurts out. „But…“ Arthur hesitates. „Did he really think I would ever hurt him? That I wouldn´t protect him, even from my father?“  
His voice breaks.  
The room is silent for a few endless moments and Merlin wants to apologize. He wants to tell Arthur he´s done it all for him, everything he´s ever done, it was for him, to make sure that Arthur lives and becomes the king he is supposed to be. But he still can´t move his lips, get out even one word, to do anything to explain. He has to count on Gaius.  
„How could he think – “ Arthur stops talking in the middle of the sentence, crossed the room with two long strides and slams the door.

***

„He is going to be fine, isn´t he? He´s going to wake up,“ is the first thing Merlin hears.  
Arthur speaks quietly, his voice soft, and Merlin isn´t sure how long it´s been since the last time he´s heard him. A few minutes? Hours? Maybe the whole day?  
How long did it také for Arthur to come back to the infirmary – after his very loud departure – to take a look at Merlin again? To check up on him? To question Gaius again before he slams the door one more time?  
How long did he stay alone in his chambers, pacing around the room or standing at the window before he decided to come back here? What was he thinking about when he was strading through the long corridors, on his way to Merlin?  
„He´s going to be alright.“  
Arthur sounds like he is begging, just barely suppressing tears. Merlin doesn´t want anything else than to open his eyes a and look at him, to see if Arthur´s really as worried about him as his words, his voice imply. But why would he lie? Why would he pretend when he´s got no idea Merlin can hear him?  
Gaius sighs. „I´m not sure what happened apart from Merlin being cursed,“ he says slowly. Thoughtfully. „I think that´s why he´s been acting so strangely. He was trying to let us know that something´s wrong. When the curse made him try to kill you he was strong enough to resist it and to direct the magic against himself.“  
Merlin wants to nod, because Gaius is always right in the end. Even if he doesn´t have all the facts, his scientific approach, his observations and analysis and research always get him some result. He is fairy clever – knows Merlin well enough – to put together Merlin´s avoidance, his uncharacteristic silence and excessive politeness, his expressionless face with the horrible moment Merlin stood up in front of a group of knights, his face calm and his eyes gold, extended his hand to Arthur, shaking all over as he forced himself, all of his magic, to not do it, to not hurt Arthur.  
Arthur doesn´t seem to be interested in any of this, asking just one question. „But he will get better?“  
For a few second everything´s quiet. Then Gaius answers. „I really don´t know. But if someone can do it, it´s Merlin.“

***

Merlin hates the darkness around him. The dark world full of silence. Merlin doesn´t even know if he´s really conscious, if anyone´s here or if it´s a day or night. The darkness is heavy on his chest, almost too much, and Merlin wants to wake up for real, to look around, to see the rooms that he´s spent years in again. He wants to see Gaius and Arthur and Gwen, to release all the magic vibrating in the tips of his fingers, but he doesn´t think he´s strong enough.

***

„– my fault,“ says Arthur quietly, much closer this time, and it´s the first words Merlin hears when he comes to himself. „I´ve never gave him a reason to think I´m not like y father.“  
No, Merlin wants to say to him. I never thought you were like your father. Because Arthur has always been better than his father. More understanding, kinder, always more willing to listen to people and their problems, always prepared to do anything to help them. A king prepared to sacrifice himself for his people, thinking about them earlier than thinking about his personal happiness.  
Just to open his eyes, to finally move, tell him that it´s not his fault. It was always Merlin, who didn´t want to make him choose, just Merlin, fearing his reaction, too afraid to tell him about his magic. Just Merlin, who´s lied to his for so long, that in the end it was easier to just continue with the lies.  
„It´s not your fault,“ protests Gaius. „It never was.“  
Arthur snorts but doesn´t say a word.  
And Merlin´s trying, he really is. He´s focusing all his power to make himself move, to give them any sign that he´s still alive. That he hears them. They don´t need to talk about him like he´s dead. But he can´t and he want´s to scream, because he´s so angry, furious at his own helplessness.  
There is a soft sound and then two small steps before Arthurs speaks up again. „He´s still the same, isn´t he? Merlin. He´s still my Merlin,“ he murmurs and it doesn´t sound as a question at all. His voice is gentle, but confident, because if there´s only one thing certain in the whole world, it´s this. Merlin, always a little clumsy and unable to stay quiet, always loyal and by his side.  
The chair next to the bed Merlin´s been occupying for who know how long squeaks on the floor as someone sits down. And then someone touches the skin of Merlin´s neck, just fingertips, hardened from the years of managing weapons. The fingers slide over the skin, not hidden under a neckerchief, and Merlin´d be almost worried that Arthur´s here, sitting next to him, because he´s decided to kill him after all (now he will squeeze and cut the air off and Merlin wouldn´t be able to defend himself, and he probably wouldn´t protect himself anyway, not from Arthur –), if only the touch of his fingers wasn´t so soft, as they run over Merlin´s neck. Arthur´s careful, gentle, not at all threatening. Just soothing.  
„Yes,“ says Gaius and Arthur exhales deeply.  
For a very long time there´s absolute silence, neither Arthur nor Gaius saying anything. Merlin would almost think they´ve gone somewhere if it wasn´t for Arthur still touching his skin. The soft glide of his fingers over Merlin´s neck and then up, to his jaw, as if Arthur needed to reassure himself that the person laying in the bed right in front of him really is Merlin. He keeps touching Merlin´s face, his cheeks and nose and eyebrow and Merlin thinks about how it´s the first time Arthur´s touching him like that – like he wants to carve Merlin´s face into his memory.  
„He´s always been like that, right?“ says Arthur softly. For a moment, his fingers stop in their journey over Merlin face, before they slide up to Merlin´s forehead. He tuckes a lock of Merlin´s hair behind his ear, but they he starts playing with them, tenderly so he doesn´t tug on them too much. Merlin´s not sure if he wants to cry or laugh.  
Arthur swallows. „He was too scared to tell me. He thought I wouldn´t understand. He thought I would hurt him.“  
„Arthur,“ tries Gaius and his voice is incredibly soft. „You have to understand that Merlin was just a boy when he had to learn how to hide his powers from people. He had to be careful his whole life, so the people wouldn´t find out about his magic.“  
„But he had to know I would never… After everything that happened, how could he think – he had to know that I –“  
Arthur breaks off in the middle of a sentence. He doesn´t stop touching Merlin´s forehead, or his temple, and when he speaks again, his voice is trembling and sounds wet, like he´s suppressing tears. „I just want him to be alright again. Please. Merlin has to be alright again.“  
His breathing´s a little ragged and Merlin needs to sit up, open his eyes and tell him not to worry, because Merlin always bounces back in the end, but he can´t.  
„Just –“ Arthur breathes out tremblingly, not able to say anything else.

***

„Just wake up, please,“ whispers Arthur right next to Merlin´s ear, and it´s the first time he´s said anything directly to Merlin, since all of this started. He´s leaning his forehead on Merlin´s temple, the tips of his hair brushing over Merlin´s skin and tickling, and he´s crying, quietly and without sobbing, but he is, because Merlin can feel Arthur´s tears on his face. „Please.“  
He touches Merlin´s arm, runs over the length of it from shoulder to palm and then he intertwines their fingers, something he´s never done before, and doesn´t let go, like he can´t force himself to separate from him. 

***

There´s so much light everywhere around him and Merlin´s eyes start to hurt instantly.  
It has to be a day, morning probably and someone – Arthur – is still loosely holding his hand. He´s not crying anymore, in fact he´s completely quiet, not moving at all, and when Merlin manages to turn his head to look at him, he finds out Arthur has fallen asleep. Arthur is sleeping, still sitting in that old, uncomfortable chair, bent over almost in half and with his head on the pillow next to Merlin´s, because he didn´t leave him even at night. He stayed aat Merlin´s side, in the infirmary, even if people were probably looking for him.  
Merlin doesn´t hear Gaius anywhere near – he may be still sleeping – and it´s quiet everywhere, deep, sleepy silence disturbed only by Arthur´s breathing just next to Merlin´s ear. He´s so close Merlin wants to run his fingers through Arthur´s tousled hair, but it´s still too much of an exercise for him. He´s not even sure he wants Arthur to wake up yet. What if everything nice Arthur has said has been said only because he didn´t know Merlin could hear him? What will happen when Arthur wakes up up and finds out Merlin´s awake already, what happens when they have to talk, to look in each other´s eyes?  
Just a few moments of peace, a few moments just lying in the bed, next to Arthur, a few minutes before he has to talk to him, to explain.  
But Arthur has stayed with him. He didn´t leave him, not for a long time. He´s always come back, with more questions. Dissapointed and hurt and confused, but he´s always come back to Merlin. Even now he´s sitting next to Merlin ´s bed, holding his hand, and Merlin can´t pretend he´s sleeping any longer.  
So he moves his fingers.

***

„Merlin.“  
Arthur´s staring at him, his eyes wide open and red rimmed. He doesn´t blink, not even when his voice wakes Gaius up and he sits up in his bed, completely amazed by Merlin´s unexpected awakening. Merlin know Gaius wants to come to him and take a closer look at Merlin, to examine him, probably, just to make sure Merlin´s alright, but he won´t do it, not now.  
Arthur doesn´t say a word, but he doesn´t let go of Merlin´s hand, staring at his face. „Merlin?“ he repeats weakly after a few long moments.  
Merlin nods tentatively and squeezes Arthur´s fingers. Any moment now Arthur will realize what´s going on, all the times that Merlin´s been lying to him, and he will leave him, surely. He will leave him, now that Merlin´s finally awake and Merlin hardly deserves any better, he knows that. But it still hurts and –  
„I am sorry,“ whispers Merlin and his lower lip starts to tremble. His eyes sting with tears and he blinks quickly, to force them away. He tries to sit up, one arm behind himself to hold himself up, the other hand still squeezing Arthur´s finger, wanting to never let him go. „I am sorry, I´ve never wanted…“  
„Shut up, Merlin,“ growls Arthur hoarsely and lets go of his hand. Merlin starts to tremble. He´s hoped it would last just a little longer – that Arthur would stay with him for just a little longer – but Arthur just shoves him a little, so he can sit right next to him and hug him close to his body. „Just shut up for a moment,“ he says and buries his face in Merlin´s hair, his arms looped around Merlin´s body.  
Arthur is hugging him and Merlin breathes in tremblingly. He clenches his fingers in Arthur´s tunic, probably too forcefully, maybe even so much that it hurts.  
But Arthur doesn´t stop him. „Don´t you try doing anything like that ever again,“ he orders hard and grips him firmly. „I will kill you myself if you do. You can´t imagine how worried I´ve been.“  
Merlin doesn´t know what to say. „I…“  
„We thought you´d never woke up again,“ murmurs Arthur and his voice trembles. „I thought I´d never see you again.“  
Merlin wants to apologize, he wants to explain, to tell him he´s done all of it for him, all that time, but then Arthur presses his lips to Merlin´s forehead and whispers something Merlin can´t hear, and he relaxed, not afraid anymore, just calm. At peace.  
All the explaining can probably wait.


End file.
